Al Hamdullillah wa Salaatu Wa Salaamu Ala Rasoollillah

Questions from Marriage Talk Part One

Foremost, with all situations, make sincere Dua/supplications and turn your focus to Allah and the way of the Messenger Peace be upon him and his family. Remember the words of our Prophet salallahu alaihi wasallam, “The supplication of everyone is granted as long as he does not show haste and does not say that he made a supplication but it was not accepted.” [Abu Dawud, Tirmidhi, Ibn Majah]

  1. How do you get over someone that you can't see a future with?

Remember the destroyer of pleasure as per the Hadith of the Prophet Peace be upon him and his family:

Abu Hurairah R.A narrated that: “The Messenger of Allah said: ‘Frequently remember the destroyer of pleasures,’ meaning death.” [Sunan Ibn Majah]

Truly analyse, the time spent over moping over someone, will you be neglecting your essential duties and relations with other kin?

At the same time, don’t resort to listening to sad music or watching sad movies to build upon your grief. That will artificially manipulate your emotions and actually make you feel worse. It will make out your situation a lot worse than it actually is. Do take time out for yourself though. Fill your time with activities that will fashion and nurture your mind and heart. Spend time with friends and family and remind yourself of what you actually have in your life that is good for you and not what you think you want, which may actually not be good for you. See it is, Allah has kept it away from you as Allah has better plans for you Insha’Allah.

Fill the void with the remembrance of Allah:

Allah says: “Those who have believed and whose hearts are assured by the remembrance of Allah. Unquestionably, by the remembrance of Allah hearts are assured.” [Qur’an: Chapter 13, Verse 28]

Don’t dwell on the past by thinking about how things could have gone differently.

Rather, accept the situation that you are now in and realize that it is out of your hands. You can’t change how people feel, so instead trust in Allah. If a relationship isn’t benefiting you or drawing you closer to Allah, then perhaps it is time to sever it.

Invest in your self-development and do things that make you feel good about yourself and remind yourself, that this time will also pass as other difficult times have passed. And definitely take time out and speak to someone about your well-being.

  1. How do you know if someone is right for you?

If you have gone through the requirements that are sought for a potential spouse, ie. Religious Commitment, Shared Values, Good Character and Attraction, though the list is not exhausted to just these requirements, now do Istikhara. Seek Divine guidance as per the Hadith of The Prophet Peace be upon him and his family.

  1. Can you approach someone asking for their hand in marriage on your own? Or with parents?

If a man wants to get married, and he has decided to propose to a particular woman, then he may go to her guardian on his own, or with one of his relatives such as his father or brother, or he may delegate someone else to propose marriage on his behalf. The matter is broad in scope, and prevalent customs should be followed. In some cultures it is regarded as improper for the suitor to go on his own, so attention should be paid to that. As for a woman wanting to marry a man, she is permitted to ask for his hand in marriage, as per the Mother of the Believers, Sayada Khadija, May Allah be pleased with her, seeking the Prophet’s consent in marriage. Again this should be done via a nominated person. Islaam emphasises on modesty, which is beautiful within itself.

  1. Is it wrong to not get married?

If a person genuinely believes they will not be able to fulfill the rights of their spouse or will not be able to live upto the commitments, then it is better for them not to marry. Though one should always keep in mind the blessings of marriage and the emphasis of the Prophets desire in wanting his nation to marry. Though at times it maybe a situation where one has to avoid marriage out of the fear of not being able to commit themselves.

  1. How to go about racist opinions, when it comes to marrying out of culture?

Again it’s something that unfortunately exists within our communities, but we will only break out of this by educating one another and reminding ourselves as well as others about what Allah, Most high and noble has said in the Qur’an Al Karim and what the Prophet Peace and blessings be upon him and his family has said, abolishing racism and showing us that Islaam has no place for racism, though that may not always be the practice amongst Muslims.

  1. What role do you think parents should play in choosing your spouse?

There is nothing wrong is parents recommending someone for you to marry in Islaam, however, one must understand that it’s not the parents’ choice or decision to make. Islaam forbids forced marriages and it’s a sin. The role of parents should be, being happy for their children in the decision they have made in wanting to marry who their wish to, as long as there is no valid reason in Islamic Law to say otherwise.

  1. Can the marriage happen virtually i.e. witnesses not physically present?

Yes, that is permissible. As long as the witness can hear and see the Bride/Groom, albeit virtually, and acknowledge that they have heard the response of both parties

  1. How do you know someone is 'the one'?

(Please see answer number 2)

  1. How would a girl interested in marriage with someone approach them?

(Please see answer number 4)

  1. What is the recommended age range, a good age to get married?

Islam has not given any specific age for marriage, either for the male or for the female. However, Islam has just suggested to get married at a young age. Because marrying at a young age can prevent a person from sins. There are also many benefits of marrying at a young age, for example having both physical and spiritual chastity. Chastity considered as one of the most important things in Islam. A good Muslim should be able to guard his chastity until they get married. By marrying early, a Muslim is guarding his chastity well. As Allah says in Quran, Al Mu’minoon (23:5-6)

“And they who guard their private parts. Except from their wives or those their right hands possess, for indeed, they will not be blamed.”

In short, for every individual it will defer, but once you are physically and mentally able, you would know that you are ready to get married Insha’Allah

  1. If a father does not associate with their child, do they still have to be informed, attend a child’s marriage?

It will be morally correct to inform the father, but if the child is off age and a Mukhalaf, ie. Sane Muslim adult who knows and recognises the difference between Halaal and Haraam, the Nikah will be valid without the presence of the father.

  1. How do you know you're ready to get married?

  • You’re busy planning for your future instead of planning for a wedding

  • You’re looking to add value to someone else’s life, rather than expecting them to come and fix or solve everything wrong in your life

  • You’re interested in helping your spouse attain Jannah

  • You value differences in people and are open-minded

  • You understand that marriage can mean making compromises and accept this reality

  • You’re not stuck in a Bollywood movie – because you get that real life isn’t always about romance, but takes hard work!

  • You want a soul mate and not someone you pick and choose when to be with

  • You fully understand that marriage requires sacrifice on your part and don’t expect your spouse to do everything for you

  • You have the means to support your spouse – for brothers, this means being able to provide for your wife. For sisters, this means supporting your husband so he can provide for you

  • You totally get that there is no ‘I’ in your relationship, because marriage is about being a team

  • You have the responsibility and maturity to handle a spouse and not selfishly think about yourself all the time

  • You are confident and comfortable with yourself and don’t need a spouse to validate you as a person

  • You know exactly what you want in your life partner

  • Your future life plans include your spouse and not just you, you and me!

  • You’re marrying to truly complete half your deen, and are willing to do what it takes to actively keep working on your marriage and make it work

If you can identify and accept these realities, this is a sure sign that indeed, you’re ready for marriage.

  1. How does divorce work?

In short, as this is a discussion which requires an event within itself, it should be known that there are three types of divorce: (1) Ahsan (most preferred), (2) Sunnah (preferred) and (3) Bid’a (sinful & unlawful innovation).

The Ahsan (most preferred) divorce is to make one pronouncement of divorce to the wife, in an interval between menstruations (Tuhr), in which no sexual intercourse with the wife has taken place. After which she is left until her waiting period (Iddah) is over.

The Sunnah (preferred) divorce is to pronounce three divorces in three separate intervals of Tuhr, in which no sexual intercourse with the wife has taken place.

The Bid’a (sinful and unlawful innovation) divorce consists of either making a pronouncement of divorce during the woman’s menstruation period (Haid) or to pronounce two or three divorces at once or to issue a divorce in a Tuhr (purity) in which sexual intercourse with the wife took place.

  1. What do you do if you are interested in someone but not sure how to proceed?

Foremost do Istikhara, thereafter, speak to trustworthy people who are in the circle of the individual you are interested in. Make your intention clear from the beginning to avoid Fitna. Ask about their character, attachment to the Deen and a general overview. Make it known to the individual that you are interested, do plenty of Dua and proceed Insha’Allah. Please see previous answers for more indication.

15. Should we feel shy, in the questions that we ask before marriage?

There should obviously be a sense of decorum but one should not hold back in asking questions which will determine the outcome of the whole situation. Marriage is for life and that is the intention one should always keep in mind when pursuing marriage. Correct terminology with appropriate wording should be kept in mind, but this concerns your deen and The prophet Peace Be Upon Him has said: There is no shame in asking regarding the Deen (in the menaing of the Hadith)

And Allah Aza wa jall Knows Best and guidance is from the Prophet peace Be upon Him And His Family, who has been chosen as the ultimate guide by Allah.

The answers given to these questions are also taken from other trustworthy sources and previous documents compiled by myself.

Khalid Hussain

Below is also an outline for the method of Istikhar which should be done for all good aspects in life Insha’Allah:

Istikharah means ‘seeking that which is good’ or ‘seeking that which is best’.

The underlying objective of Istikharah is that a servant should seek Allah’s guidance and goodness before undertaking any matter.

Istikharah (Salaatul Istikharah) should be done in such matters which are permissible and allowed in Islam. Its purpose is to remove doubt from one’s heart in doing a certain task. Hence, if one is doubtful in his mind about doing or ‘not doing’ an action from among two permissible actions, then he must do Salaatul Istikharah so that his doubt regarding one can be remove, and his heart can be firm upon the other one.

It should be noted that Istikharah cannot be done regarding matters that are unlawful in Islam. Similarly, Istikharah is not done in such matters which Allah Has made essential upon the Muslims. It is only done in permissible actions in which ‘doing it’ and ‘not doing it’ are both allowed in Islam.

Regarding Istikharah, the Prophet (SAS) is reported to have said, ‘When anyone of you intends to undertake an important affair then let him perform two rakaats (of optional Salaah), and then say,

‘Allahumma Inni Astakheeruka be ilmika.

Wa As’aluka min Fadhlikal Azeem.

Fa innaka Taqdiru wa la Aqdiru.

Wa talamu wa laa A’lamu.

Wa anta Allaamul Ghuyub.

Allahumma in kunta Ta’lamu

Anna Hazal Amr khairun li fi Deeni

Wa Ma’ashi wa Aa qibati Amri.

Faqdir’hu li wa yassirhu li.

Thumma Barik li fihi.

Wa in kunta Ta’lamu

Anna Hazal Amr Sharrun li fi deeni

Wa Ma’aashi wa Aaqibiti amri.

Fasrifhu anni wasrifni anhu waqdir li Al khair haithu kana

Thumma Ardhini bihi.

MEANING: O Allah, I ask You the good through Your Knowledge and I ask You to grant me ability through Your Power and beg Your favour out of Your infinite bounty. For surely, You have power and I have none. You know all and I know not. You are the Knower of all that is hidden. O Allah, if, in Your knowledge, this matter be good for my faith, my livelihood and the conse¬quences of my affairs in the world and the hereafter, then or¬dain it for me and make it easy for me and bless me therein. But if, in Your knowledge, this matter be bad for my faith, my livelihood and the consequences of my affairs in the world or the hereafter, then turn it away from me, and turn me away therefrom and ordain for me the good wherever it be and cause me to be pleased therewith.(Recorded by Bukhari).

It is mentioned that the above Salaah (2 rakaats) should be performed after the Isha Salaah. In the first rakaat, after Sura Faatiha, one should recite Sura Kafiroon and in the second rakaat, one should recite Sura Ikhlas.

After performing the Salaah, one should make the dua with full concentration and attention and place his request and need before Allah. In making this dua, it is not essential that one says it in the Arabic language. If it is difficult for one to say it in the Arabic, then one can say it in his own language.

After this, one should go to bed in a state of Tahara (purification such as being in the state of wuzu) and should turn towards the Qibla while sleeping. If one is reciting the dua in Arabic, then when he reaches the words “Haazal Amr’, he should make the intention of his need. If one is making the dua in English, then when he reaches the words ‘O Allah, if, in your knowledge, this matter be good for my faith’, he should make intention of his need. (That is, he must focus on the matter/need for which he is making Istikharah (in his mind and heart).

After making Salaatul Istikharah, it is not necessary that one gets a dream, as a guideline. It is also not necessary that if one gets a dream regarding the affair, it is on account of the Istikharah. This may not be so.

After making Istikharah, whatever matter the heart becomes firm on, or is satisfied upon, then one should chose that. It is possible that this firmness of the heart comes on account of a dream. One should continue to make Istikharah until his heart becomes settled on a matter. (Raddul Muhtar- Fatawa Haqaniya vol.3 pg.262; Kitabul Fatawa vol.2 pg.382).